Do you experience a harshness inside you?
You may encounter this harshness in many different ways, from the slightest thought every now and then, to an ongoing daily battle within ourselves, some these may include:
Saying Im always overemotional and I cry too easily
Insist my acne scarred skin is ugly without makeup.
Scrutinised my work, constantly demeaning me over the tiniest mistake.
Telling me I'm an unfocused mess and feed me false predictions of failure.
Nothing will change this will always be like this so why bother
I'll never get a girlfriend, I'm too fat, ugly, damaged...
I'm too sensitive
I'm not good enough
Can you relate?
If you’re like me, you’ve likely experimented with loads of approaches to unseat your inner harshness, such as:
Ignoring and refusing to listen to it.
Engaging in attempts to disprove its abrasive words.
Replacing “irrational” thoughts with “rational” ones.
Changing your self-talk and repeating positive affirmations.
Using Substances such as alcohol, tobacco, psychiatric medication
Exercising
Working longer hours with more intensity
It’s normal to want to silence and get rid of that harsh voice. In fact, many forms of therapy encourage disputing the claims, so it makes sense to think this method is effective.
The truth is that these tactics often result in a louder, stronger internal harshness.
So, what does work? There are a few things to understand about your inner harshness before you can begin to heal.
Internal Family Systems (IFS), is a compassionate approach to psychotherapy that provides a framework to help heal and not just cope with these experiences.
1. It’s common to think you have one singular mind with various thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Yet, the IFS model offers an alternative perspective by suggesting that the psyche is made up of various “parts”. Often these parts of yourself don’t agree with one another. A simple example of this is the conflict you experience when part of you craves chocolate cake and another part says that isn’t a good idea.
Similarly, you may find yourself putting off an important project. Before you know it, your critical part then chimes in calling you lazy. Through the IFS lens, you have two polarised parts, a procrastinator and a critical part, in opposition to each other. If you feel frustrated, that’s yet another part.
2. Your inner harshness has good intentions. When the impact this inner harshness feels so negative, it can feel like a bit of a paradox to entertain the idea that they have an honourable mission. But the truth is this inner harshness wants to protect you. Of course, the way it goes about this isn’t always helpful or kind.
That inner harshness that (scrutinises your work, constantly demeaning you over the tiniest mistake) may be around from an earlier time when you were young and experienced being shamed by another person (teacher, parent, friend or colleague) The harshness you experience is protecting you from feeling that shame again.
3. Your inner harshness won’t usually just go away. The voice doesn’t just go away when you dismiss it or simply replace its words with kind ones. But you can learn to relate to critical parts in a way that relieves them of their extreme roles. As inner critics are usually hard at work to protect vulnerable parts, they’re usually exhausted from carrying around those heavy burdens.
The goal of IFS work is not to eliminate parts, but to help them adopt new roles that are more supportive. Chances are that your harshness already functions in some useful ways, but we tend to notice the more negative roles it takes.
4. Your inner harshness wants to be heard and understood. Other strategies to defeat your inner harshness may seem to help temporarily. But they don’t respond well to being blocked, tamed, or denied. What we resist persists and this is no different with critical parts. Your inner harshness wants its voice to be heard and needs to tell its story of what it protects.
To work with your inner harshness is to take time to get to know and understand its fears from a place of curiosity and compassion, what is called Self in IFS. When you lean in and listen rather than reject and ignore, your inner system can begin to integrate, harmonise and a new relationships form within us that then flows into our interpersonal relationships.